Fixer-Upper Wars Episode I: A New Start

2015-01-26

Long Long Ago (i.e. 2008) in a Galaxy Far, Far Away (i.e. about a six hour drive away from where I was living at the time…)

(*STAR WARS THEME BEGINS*)

FIXER-UPPER WARS

EPISODE I: A NEW START

A mid-life crisis! After failed employment negotiations with the Shadow Broker, exiled Jedi Knight Manja Sk’cro1 finds himself without a job and without a sense of self.

With a nest egg of credits, he takes transport to a new planet and finds refuge in a home bought cheap due to galactic turmoil caused by the Trade Federation.

Thinking himself bright and confident, our hero sends word throughout the HoloNet that he’s available for work and gets a book on home repair.

And that’s when the roof starts leaking…

(*PAN DOWN TO MANJA SK’CRO GRUMBLING AND MOVING BUCKETS TO CATCH DRIPS*)

“It will be okay. I may not be comfortable walking around on a roof, but I can get a new job doing mercenary work and I’ll be able to save up enough to patch the roof.”

(*MONTAGE PASSES BY OF SENDING OUT HUNDREDS OF JOB APPLICATIONS AND HEARING NOTHING BACK*)

“Well, even grunt work will be better than nothing. *sigh* I’ve got a bad feeling about this…”

(*MONTAGE OF OUR HERO APPLYING FOR WORSE AND WORSE JOBS, ONLY TO BE TURNED AWAY*)

(*MONTAGE ENDS AS OUR HERO’S PHONE RINGS*)

Manja Sk’cro: “Hello?”

Voice: “Yes, this is Allada Ky-knomi of the Coruscant Accountants Academy. We can offer you a job where you answer communication calls from angry bureaucrats.”

Manja: *long sigh* “How much does it pay?”

Allada: “Two credits every other week.”

(*PAN OUT AND CUE THE SAD MUSICAL SCORE FROM THE END OF THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK AS OUR HERO NODS AND SAYS YES TO THE CRAPPY JOB*)

(*FADE OUT TO “TO BE CONTINUED”*)

(*ROLL CREDITS*)


1: My Star Wars name. Up

Tags: personal, house